I Hate Coffee, So I Tried To Become Addicted To It In One Week

1) Drink two coffees a day, every day.

2) Try a variety of coffee drinks from different coffee shops.

3) Eat a coffee-flavored snack every day, too.

The day started okay. I ordered coffee for the first time ever and felt very proud of myself!!!

If you’ve never done it before, ordering coffee is actually pretty confusing. I thought I’d go up to the counter and just say, “I’d like one coffee, please.” But then you get there, and the menu is full of nonsense words like “macchiato” and “flat white” and “Starbucks.”

After a brief moment of panic, I finally settled on a simple black, iced coffee — because it was the only thing on the menu I understood.

It turns out I am pretty sensitive to the effects of caffeine.

I felt nauseous and sweaty. My heart was pounding. My anxiety was through the ROOF. You know that rush of adrenaline you get when you miss a step going down the stairs? I felt like that…for about eight hours straight.

People who saw me that day said I looked like I was on drugs. And I guess technically I was, ’cause caffeine IS a drug, y’all!

Overall, I still felt pretty gross from the caffeine.

I could barely focus at work. I was jittery, scatterbrained, and way more stressed out than usual. Isn’t the whole point of coffee that it makes you productive? I could barely function.

After a sleepless night, I desperately needed coffee in the morning to keep myself awake.

The irony, of course, is that coffee was preventing me from falling asleep in the first place. Coffee addiction is a vicious cycle!!!

I HAD started to pee like crazy.

I was an endless flow of pee. All day, every day. Pee pee pee. It started to get ridiculous. If I was aimed in the right direction, I could have put out a small forest fire.

Here are my five big takeaways:

1) Caffeine affects different people in different ways. Personally, it made me totally bonkers. I’m a pretty high-energy person without coffee, and caffeine just sent me over the edge. Maybe I should have tried decaf?

2) Coffee-flavored snacks are pretty good. Except for coffee yogurt, which should cease to exist immediately, thank you.

3) I actually liked the taste of coffee more than I thought I would. I had a few drinks I really liked, and that surprised me. Maybe saying “I hate coffee” was too broad. Coffee can be a bunch of different things!

4) Coffee is EXPENSIVE!!! I was lucky that BuzzFeed paid for my drinks this week, but, damn…those five-dollar lattes really add up.

5) At the end of the day, you like what you like. If you’re a coffee addict, live your truth!!! I promise I still love you, even if I think you’re a monster sometimes.

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