Perfect parenting pictures on social media are enough to drive real moms over the edge. Maybe those “perfect” moms are hawking products, or just love putting on makeup at 5 a.m. Whatever is driving them, most parents say the life you’re seeing on Instagram is filtered to the max. As in, there’s nothing real about it.
Those moms push expectations too high, act like they can juggle pushing a stroller and sleeping at the same time, never deal with poop explosions, and it magically appears their babies are always smiling … all while mommy is dressed like she’s headed to a cocktail party with a red lip and a perfect mani. (Quick, crop the nanny out of the shot ASAP!)
A study conducted by row.co.uk reveals that 31 percent of moms admit to spending over nine hours per day on their phones, and that 41 percent of them have checked their social media accounts by 8 a.m. Which means the messages they are getting about how crappy they are as moms have started filtering in as soon as they can grab a cup of much needed coffee. Many parents admit that scrolling through social media causes them to spiral, comparing themselves to other parents just based on (heavily filtered) pictures.
Sponsors promote and pay these moms, making it believable and acceptable that life is cheery all the time with baby. And that you’ll be rewarded for everything being perfect. Spoiler alert, you won’t! The fashion world is in on it too; Vogue often touts the Instagram of this mommy, whose son apparently always looks bright-eyed, behaves impeccably in restaurants, and never, ever s**ts his pants at the beach. Mmm hmm. Call us when he tap dances and mixes a mean martini. At the same time.
As usual, it’s Chrissy Teigen to the rescue. While she often Instagrams her adorable daughter Luna’s sweet moments, she’s all about honesty when it comes to mommyhood being hard.
“There’s not too much thought that goes into anything I post,” she told People. “I’m not like, ‘Okay, I’m going to post this at 2:00. I’m going to touch up her face.’ We just capture moments and if we see a cute photo I post it. It’s not too calculated.”
Which led to Pampers asking Chrissy to become their brand ambassador. She’s refreshing, not to mention a model who is actually relatable. And her feed is amazing, given that she doesn’t spend hours and hundreds of shots to get the right picture to post.
Here’s how people create the perfect parenting pic on social media … and we’re only kind of kidding:
Make sure baby isn’t crying.
Shut up, baby. In these perfect Instagram feeds, baby is always laughing. Perhaps mommy has a great Netflix standup special on or the kid’s just delirious. But there will be no crying on this Instagram feed. Save it for late at night. Alone. In your crib. Hey kid, that wet stuff is tears. For God’s sake get a hold of yourself!
Lose the baby weight immediately.
Like get liposuction as you’re pushing the baby out at the hospital. While you’re at it, whiten your teeth, get a boob lift, and highlight your hair. The kid is out why aren’t you at SoulCycle? I don’t care if you’re on painkillers. You look fat.
Make your cravings only healthy ones.
Before you closet order a pizza and down a sweet, sweet milkshake you call a “smoothie,” whip up a quick açaí bowl with granola and blueberries (that you shopped for two hours after giving birth) and Instagram it. Claim it’s all you’re eating while getting your post-baby bod back and make everyone else feel awful for microwaving a burrito.
You get the idea, a little something like this. What, no time new mommy?
Use that baby as a prop, woman! You never know when the opportunity to make strangers feel guilty may arise.
Sleep in your makeup.
Baby feeding at 3 a.m.? Of course you’re camera ready.
Throw that hunky husband in a few shots.
Oh, that guy with the six-pack? Married him. He doesn’t fart or cheat.
If baby pukes or poops, step away from the phone. (And the baby.)
These things are disgusting. Your baby doesn’t do them, remember? Nanny!
Make sure the kid’s bedroom is neutral.
Ew. Perfect moms hate colors. Is that … pink?! Cream and white only!
One kid only? Slacker.
LOLOLOL try three perfect ones! All dressed the same. Put that in your pipe and smoke it b*tches!
Bath time? Not a problem.
Not all kids hate baths. Especially not yours. Yours doesn’t kick and scream on the floor covered in dirt. Run, little Simon, it’s time for a luxurious bubble bath with mummy. “Of course mummy! Of course! Is it scented? You know how we love scented baths!”
No ugly babies.
You think they don’t exist? They do. But not in this corner of the Internet. Perfect moms make perfect babies.
For real though, how about more of this? It would make moms everywhere feel a lot better about themselves. And it’s real.
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